Beyond Linear Sex - Pre sex chat
Sexual confidence can be defined in many ways. One way to view it is that you know what you want sexually, and feel comfortable to ask for what you want and need, or you’re aware you’re in an exploration phase and can communicate that. For some people, this can come in the form of a delightful ‘pre-sex chat’. I’ve found in my personal and professional life that a lot of people want more clarity going into sexual situations and sometimes struggle with how to bring that up. I’m also a neurodivergent therapist who works with a lot of neurodivergent clients, sexual assault survivors and people who have anxiety around sex, so this is something I see a lot of people struggle with.
If you are someone who feels anxiety around sex, having a pre-sex chat can enable you to feel more comfortable, confident and safe. This tool can be used with newer partners but long term partners also, to establish boundaries, desires and what the people involved want to do that day. Talking about specifics in terms of sex can be awkward for many people, but for British people the awkwardness is next level. It’s a hot bed of tension, attachment theory issues, fear of rejection and overall embarrassment. The concepts discussed in this article are also inspired from negotiations and consent models within the kink scene.
How does this help?
For many people the first time you have sex with a new person or group, it can be nerve-wracking. They definitely don’t know your boundaries or hard limits, they might not even know what you like and most people feel some anxiety around how that can play out. This uncertainty can be a real barrier to intimacy. So, it can be helpful to have some established rules, expectations or just things to note for all parties involved to understand. This can take some of the pressure away in those situations.
Having a conversation before starting to have sex can mean that you go into the experience knowing what is on or off the table. This can help you feel more relaxed, safe and much more able to enjoy the situation.
How to I start?
To get started, it can be helpful to think about what’s important to you in this interaction. This requires some forethought, aka not on the day of the date! At least when you’re starting to have these conversations, it can be good to think about what’s on the docket for you, and what is definitely off limits. Take some time to reflect, maybe journal or write in the notes app of your phone what you feel comfortable with, what you’d like to do, and some hard boundaries for a first hook up. Be kind and understanding to yourself that those feelings might change in the lead up to or the day of the hook up, and that’s ok too! But it can be helpful to try to go into the conversation knowing what you want. Bear in mind you might not need to share all of your reflections at once, but think about what’s most important to you on the day.
Questions for general self reflection before the chat could include -
Are there any sex acts I’d like to do / not do with this person on this occasion?
Is there a part of my body that’s painful or I don’t like being touched?
If I want to stop this interaction and have a break, what’s the easiest way for me to communicate that? (safe words to discuss or hand gestures)
Are you comfortable giving / receiving feedback during sex? If so, how is that easiest for you?
Is there a particular type of aftercare I like? If so, how much time does that require and can I fit that in? Are there considerations that might be helpful (such as stopping at a certain time to allow for aftercare).
Let’s get down to business
Now, how do I actually bring this up, I hear you asking. You’re probably feeling anxious about this conversation, and that’s ok. You can start with that if it helps! “I feel really anxious bringing this up, but, could we talk about what we’d like to do today?” I hear it and it can definitely feel awkward the first time you do it, but it’s so much better than going (literally) in the dark.
Unfortunately, if you’re bringing this up, you do have to take the lead in the conversation a little bit and go first, so this is where your preparation comes in handy. “I was thinking I’d like to do X, Y and Z act. I really don’t feel comfortable doing A, B and C at the moment. How does that sound to you?” The person you’re talking to might feel a little put on the spot, and you can acknowledge that too. “I know it can feel awkward to discuss sex in this way, but I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page”.
Importantly, if the other person / people bring up something you hadn’t considered, try to be understanding (everyone’s definition of sex is different, and there is no ‘normal’) but hold firm on your boundaries if that’s not something you feel comfortable doing at that time. If they suggest something that sounds exciting to you but you don’t feel comfortable YET, you can say that too, “I like that idea, but can we discuss it again in the future? I don’t want to do it today”. This can also be a good place to discuss aftercare needs and if there are time restrictions, factor that into the plan as well. You can also use this time to talk about sexual health, if you haven’t had the chance to already.
Make sure you give your partner/s time to share their desires, needs and wants and see how you’re both feeling in this. Also, just because you’d like to do a particular act, that doesn’t mean your bed fellow/s will feel the same! This means you might need to discuss or negotiate the plans, and makes it even better that you talked about it beforehand. Once you’ve had that chat to establish what you both want out of the day.. away you go!
Post match analysis, aftercare and share
Sometimes after sex people aren’t sure how to care for each other or what their partner/s need. Some people want and need space immediately; others want to cuddle or do other forms of connections. If you haven’t established this beforehand and are coming into it with different expectations, this can be really jarring. So, establishing those expectations early can reduce the likelihood that you’ll end up with different post sex plans.
Many people enjoy a ‘post-match analysis’ after sex, which can be a time to discuss what you liked and talk through the experience you’ve both had. This can be an opportunity for caring and connection, and also to reassure both partners. If this is something that’s helpful to you, include it in your pre-sex chat, this will allow you both to know what to expect and how to be together after the sexual encounter has ended.
Let yourself ask for what you need
If the media is to be believed, the only way people have sex is with absolute abandon and spontaneity. While that definitely works for some people, it creates untold anxiety in others. For survivors of sexual assault, people with anxiety and some neurodivergent people, it can be incredibly challenging and triggering.
Working out what you’d like out of a sexual encounter and being able to discuss it with your partner/s can give everyone clarity and a sense a safety. Learning to trust yourself to have these conversations, and to trust your partner/s with your sharing, can help you feel more empowered and confident in those spaces.
