Happy for you, sad for me
We have all had the experience where our friend, partner or family member gets something amazing. They might have bought a home, be having a baby, got a promotion or be going on a once in a lifetime holiday. You’re happy for them. They’ve worked hard, they deserve it and you know that it’s something they’ve been wanting for a while. You’re good friends, you want good things for them. You are happy for them.. or at least you think you are?
You can’t shake this niggling feeling every time they talk about their excitement. It feels uncomfortable. You want to change the subject. You’re happy for them.. but also, wish they wouldn’t talk about it quite so much? Things aren’t going so well for you at the moment, and these are things that you want in your life, too. You know your friend hasn’t done anything wrong, but you also can’t help but feel a bit sad every time it comes up. It’s making you question your friendship and also, yourself. It doesn’t feel good to be fixating on what your friend has and feeling jealous. You might be feeling guilt and shame about not being 100% happy for your friend, questioning who you are and potentially avoiding them in the process, straining the relationship further and all the while they have no idea what’s going on for you.
Two things can be true at once
Sometimes those two true things can feel completely opposite to each other. It’s hard to reconcile feelings towards our loved ones that seem diametrically opposed. It can be incredibly challenging as it feels like you’re not actually happy for your friend. But, you can be (as the title suggests) happy for them and sad for you at the same time.
It’s not about the other person, or what they have
It’s about you. When we feel this way, it can be for a variety of reasons. You might occasionally have a fleeting feeling of bitterness that your friend has something you want, but you know you’ll probably have it soon. In this case, the feeling doesn’t last too long. However, if you’re ruminating about what this other person has, and it’s causing you to avoid them or feel stressed about them bringing up their good fortune, this might reveal a deeper issue about you and your life.
Jealousy for people we like
Jealousy is often an emotion with negative associations when really it can be like any other emotion. We don’t intentionally decide to be jealous, it just happens. We can’t control it, like we often can’t control feeling happy or lonely or any other emotions. Feeling jealous of people in your life doesn’t make you a bad person. But if you’re feeling this way often it might be an opportunity to look inwards and examine the root causes and find out if there’s anything you want to change in your own life.
Noticing this feeling and what it might be telling you
It can be helpful to sit with this feeling and examine where it’s coming from. Look at what you’re actually jealous of, or what bothers you most about this situation. Sitting with this feeling can be very uncomfortable and cause us to question those relationships we have. While we can’t control our feelings, we can control our actions around them. If your friend has been having fun and exciting experiences without you, do you feel FOMO because you haven’t been invited? Or because you struggle in new social situations, so those experiences seem unattainable to you? If it’s about physical things, such as buying a house or a car, it can be really difficult to sit with the idea that you’re not in a position to do those things when someone close to you is. If you’re jealous of their personality and their good qualities, it might be worth exploring your self-esteem and building that up within yourself.
Where to go from here
Much like anger, I see jealousy as an emotion that can be very galvanizing and energy giving. It often can make us feel agitated and that can create the feeling of need for immediate action. The response to this need for immediacy can often lead to situations where harsh things are said that can lead to more shame and guilt. I’d invite you to really notice and slowdown that reaction and think about how you want to work with, not against, yourself in this moment. Working against yourself might look like saying nothing and hoping it goes away by itself, while saying passive aggressive remarks you feel anxious about later.
Working with yourself might look like calmly sharing with your friend that you’re struggling with their good news, not because of anything they have done but because of how things are for you at the moment. Explaining how much you value your relationship, but that this is what’s coming up for you. This is, undoubtedly, a difficult conversation, but one that might strengthen the relationship in the long run. It might give you the opportunity to see how you can work together to resolve this in a way that feels comfortable for both of you. Working with yourself might also look giving yourself time to explore the roots of your jealousy in personal work or with a therapist.
